bor eyh, 120109. we became zharbors.
had alot alot of shared memories till now, 10th month lerhs.
these ten months, you and i've changed alot alot.
ecspecially you.i've stop changing for a long time lerhs.
since that time vannessa and joan thingy.
you supported me, knowing that i would change for th sake of them.
and that's th only time, i've changed. almost completely.
being happy, no matter what happens. careing for you,sisters,strangers and our classmates,
more and more. till now, i'm still careing for you and vannessa.
i feel that vannessa has been rejecting my care for her.
ever since she has determined that you're th only one who is doing all the caring
and concerning.
now you also think that she is caring for you.
keith and charnchai.
yeah, charel is still close to you.
yah, i admit that now i don't really care for you.
even you drop.
th reason is because i don't know anything.
you told vannessa everything and anything.
making me like a lil' ignorant kid.
trying to know what you all are talking.
and like a toddler i am, i cannot speak out my feelings.
although its really pain seeing you in your blog.
dropping time and again. i feel the sadness,
but at the same time, i feel that im very useless.
as your zharbor, in the past, i would have given you all th care.
all th love just only for you. and now i can only see you cry
but find no reason to console you.
cus i find no reason why you cried.
at times, when i wanted to console you,i would remember
vannessa's word:'you don't know anything jiu don't kpo larh!'
i would always remind me of her saying this.
then it will make me feel like,
"why? why isit that zharbor don't want me to know anything?
we once shared our secrets, we do everything together.
and now she's so close to vannessa. and i would be wondering if you
would ever remember me when you're sad. maybe i'm not a shoulder for her to lean
on when she's sad, and when she cries, i can only open my big eyes,
not feeling any pain in my heart, but feeling th pain in your heart, yet doing nothing."
yah, this is what i call zuo yi dai bi.
hais, i guess for the time being i only can do nothing, and let vannessa share your pain.
and you believing that she is th only one who is there for you...
yeah, nowadays you would see me having my tantrum coming out.
towards vannessa. we both know her character.
she is 'dui ren bu dui shi' yah, so she's very good to you, listen to you and all.
so she'll only find me a nuisance.
and now, i'll prove to her that i'm a nuisance.
throwing my tantrum at her. just to let her know that
"hey, i want you to listen to me when i talk,
at least show some basic manners."
yah, she's been leading a very happy life.
and that makes her abit of irritating,but she's adorable.
making me sometimes cannot bear to scold her,
infront of darenlow.
yah, even if i scolded her. badly.
she wouldn't have listen to me.
she would just say okok, making people wonder if she had
listen in anot.
and sometimes, me speaking in a serious manner.
but she would just find it lame.
yeah, some things i say alot alot of time already.
but did she really listen?
if not why would i have repeated it time and again?
its only when something bad happens, then she will realise that
my words do help.
but after a while she would have forgotten her lesson learnt.
yah, some thmes i find it very difficult to express my feelings.
but i can't do anything.
and be a lil' baby, who couldn't express its feelings.
even if i really said it, would there be listeners?
now i'm almost losing you as my listener.
th only left, who could give me advices.
and now, she's drifting apart from me.
i wish you would know that, i really need a good listener.
you feels that your frends(only vannessa and excluding th closest ones;me&charel)
and you stead, you couldn't balance th time you spent for them
and you couldn't find time for both of them.
but actually you're balancing it very well.
and actually you can live in this society, not like what you say,
that you couldn't. you can.
and i believe vannessa can too.
as long as you don't have th thinking that you can't ,
you can.
sorry bor, for me having al those thoughts. i know de, just that nobody believes that i know.
i'll love&i'll care for you. till i'm totally useless.till the world ends.